Wednesday, March 21, 2012

gut wrenching love...

Hot sun, beautiful beaches,crystal clear water, delicious food, tasty drinks, peace and quiet....what isn't there to be excited about?!
Hilton Barbados

When J won this trip, we both said we wanted to go somewhere where we could just lay on the beach.  We knew that with an almost 2 y/o and a 5 month old we would be in desperate need of a relaxing, do-nothing vacation. That's why we chose Barbados! We plan to eat, drink, relax and get a couples massage on the beach.  We're so excited.....except for one thing...

I'm a mommy.  That means I'm a sobbing, blubbering mess with extreme separation anxiety! J and I were able to go half way around the world last year on our trip to New Zealand; leaving Boogie at home with grandma and grandpa.   I thought, if we could make it through that, every trip there after would be a piece of cake....wrong!

Don't get me wrong, I know they will be in capable, loving hands. But, I'm their momma and NO ONE can take care of them like their momma can :) There's a couple things I keep thinking about. First, Boogie is old enough now to know that we're not there.  My heart breaks thinking about him crying, wondering if we abandoned him.

I also keep thinking about, god forbid, something should happen to J and I.  It's crazy how after having kids your own life seems to have so much more value.  The moment I became a mother I realized what I was put on this earth to do; to love and raise my beautiful babies. I've made a million promises to God that I will, above all else, be there for my kiddos.

Please tell me I'm not crazy!  I know, as I've admitted before, I'm an OCD, anxiety ridden, worry wart...but, this intense fear of being away from my children, this gut wrenching love, seems normal.  Isn't it? If not, I'm sad for those kiddos whose parents don't feel that way...They're my world, my everything and it's my job to make sure they're safe and feel loved.

I'm beyond excited to spend an amazing week just me and my hubby.  We need this.  It's healthy and important for us to have this time together.  I can't wait to lay in the sun, sleep in late, eat hot food, shower as often as I want......but, I'm a mommy and there's no vacation from that.  My kiddos will be there in my heart and on my mind and I'm OK with that.  For now, I'm going to snuggle the heck out them up until it's time to leave.

1 comment:

  1. So crazy to read your post today! My hubby and I are taking a trip to NYC, just the two of us, in a month, and I told him last night that, as I was rocking our 2-month-old to sleep, I suddenly became anxiety-ridden at the thought of leaving them and started thinking about everything I needed to prepare for them in case anything happened to us! Like, write them letters explaining how much I love them and my hopes for their future. Craaaazy how mommy brain will turn your world upside down. So glad we're all able to empathize with each other!